“No”. The ultimate word of discernment, the epitome of protection, the boundary maker.
In my professional and personal experience, this word is more complex than the two letters belie. Its use implies a firm grasp of reality or as close to objectivity as one can get in these post-modern times. Saying “no” means, in effect, “I know what is right and wrong and I intend to preserve that.”
In my practice, I see people struggle to identify an appropriate, rational, and emotional understanding of what is right and wrong and what they deserve. Why do so many people struggle to know these things? Is it a moral failing of our culture, a failure of our parents, or do we just not stop to think about things like this until they are unavoidable?
Our culture values agreeability. It is the “A” in “OCEAN”, the acronym for the five most basic personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeability, and Neuroticism). Highly agreeable people are more likely to cooperate with others but are also more likely to sacrifice instead of compromise. People who are high in agreeability, often struggle to object despite possessing valid and valuable perspectives which are contrary to the norm set by those disagreeable enough to enforce it. This often creates or perpetuates a cyclical power dynamic in our culture and within relationships. From a systemic perspective, people who don’t often say “no” contribute to the preservation of the status quo which may not favor agreeable people.
This personality trait is common in people who avoid conflict, who people please, and who have difficulty knowing what they like and dislike. I see many agreeable yet unhappy people in my office. My work with them inevitably consists of helping them define what is right and wrong for themselves, reality testing, building self-esteem, and implementing boundaries in accordance. I also use the concepts found in Attachment theory to provide a framework for people who need a more meaningful explanation of why they find themselves settling in relationships, in their careers, and with themselves.
Attachment, in short, references the strategies that we develop as infants and young children that provide us security, specifically emotional security in the context of our relationship with our caregivers.
Expressing disagreeable qualities as children often leads to rejection by caregivers and thus instills an identity rooted in shame. The implication to the child is that if they don't fall in line with what important people expect, they are a bad person. This becomes the foundation for how people know what is right and what is wrong. They can no longer trust themselves, especially the crucial disagreeable parts of themselves. When the truth becomes “I am a bad person and I don’t matter,” individuals develop a distorted sense of self and a difficult time setting boundaries as a result. Fast forward 20 years and these people experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem because they were conditioned to hide their disagreeable qualities, relegating them to the Jungian concept of the shadow.
(Does this resonate with you?)
In our busy lives, it is hard to find the stillness to be conscious of the forces of society, attachment, and shadow. Without the honesty of a trusted friend, therapy, or a numinous experience to challenge us, it is difficult to bring intention to these feedback loops and know when we need to say “no."
I often ask my clients “How do you know what you want?” Most have a hard time answering this question. Most of them are focused externally on what will make their parents, spouse, or boss happy (or even just indifferent). In essence “What will make me most acceptable to others?” instead of being in touch with their sense of right and wrong to guide their actions and set protective boundaries.
I encourage you to spend more time with the concept of "no". Inviting the power of "no" into your life is just one effective path to healing from shame, maintaining healthy relationships, and knowing what really matters to you.
Unlocking the power of “no” is uncomfortable, but the discomfort one feels trying to undo attachment injuries and cultural forces is always less than the harm done by continuing to live in shadow. It is all work toward a more integrated life.
Questions to consider:
How do you know what you want?
Where and with whom in your life do you struggle the most to say no?
Why do you feel like you have a hard time saying no?
Why do you think that people struggle to say no?
What is one small thing you can say no to today?
Comments